At Family Worship Center, we are going into year 5 of the Daniel Fast.
In my own personal life, I think a lot of what I experienced last year has prepared me spiritually for this fast.
Considering my relatively mild/imaginary nutritional issues only a couple of weeks after finishing the Daniel Fast back in 2014, I'd consider myself at least being relatively restrictive with my diet for over a year now(i.e. I just eat a lot healthier).
That being said, I've gained a new fascination for nutrition. I don't look at food as something that simply tastes good, I look at in terms of carbohydrates, proteins, fats, vitamin content, physiological effects on the body...you get the picture.
And in truth, it is not a fear of food that brings this curiosity about, but a love of food, and a fascination as to how food truly changes, both physically and spiritually.
I wouldn't be studying to eventually become a Registered Dietitian(Nutritionist) if I didn't love food.
Knowing this, I feel that so far this fast has been and will be especially easy for me.
The physical aspect of the fast—the part in which I don't eat processed foods—won't be a challenge. Ultimately I know the value of Paleo-type(i.e.from the ground) foods. I do not necessarily see Daniel Fasting as a denial of my carnal side, but a taking care of my body for the sake of worshiping Christ.
And in piggybacking on a post I saw about a week ago, I think the Daniel Fast has been hijacked to the point no one true reason can ever be discerned. I have my reasons to fast; it may not be someone else's. That doesn't mean I'm any more right or wrong than that person. It just means we're approaching it differently.
What concerns me, is that I think several people are treating the fast in a way that is not beneficial to them spiritually, if simply because they are not treating themselves properly physically.
Firstly: the point of the fast is not to be hungry. If it was, we shouldn't be consuming any food at all. The reason so many people are hungry is because they are consuming far less calories than they would on a normal diet. Because vegetable-type foods are so low calorie, naturally more must be consumed to maintain caloric-intake(i.e. not die). And if anything, there should be a willingness to eat the second and third servings available to them.
We must eat, and we must eat more than usual. By feeding our body we can feed our spirit. Though I don't necessarily mean feeding in terms of pleasure.
I mean feeding in terms of providing our body with not only enough calories to sustain life(at least 1000 minimum—though I would suggest more), but providing it with essential vitamins and minerals it might not have received on a regular basis prior to the fast.
If we are to understand food in terms of taking care of our body, and the Lord sees our bodies as temples, are we not to treat our temples with respect, adorning them with the finest offerings? While fast food and processed food may be outwardly pleasurable, in terms of quality, they are little more than a middle finger to Christ shouting, "You gave me this temple, and not only am I going to destroy it, I am going to shorten it's reign." Food is good. Calories are good. Fats are good. Consuming fats and carbohydrates in high amounts together is bad, but these foods alone are not intuitively bad. And when we can consume enough healthy proteins, fats, carbohydrates, and calories, we find more easily we do not crave processed foods. When we fulfill our bodily needs(but not it's desires), we can focus more easily on our spiritual needs.
Like in ministry, how can we expect to spiritually feed the masses if we are not spiritually fed ourselves? We should not look at food as the enemy, we should look at it as the vessel in which we seek God. In that way eating good food is a way of worshiping God with our body and our actions.
Secondly: While complaints among peers who are enduring the fast are often cathartic, they can be extremely harmful to one's spiritual journey. We must not see the fast as something we have to do. We must see it as something we want to do. If our intention in fasting is to deny a "carnal" part of ourselves, we should therefore not act so surprised when that carnal part fights to get it's way. Part of the Christian walk in general is self-denial. While the occasional hunger groan is fine within context, it is highly inappropriate in terms of sacrifice because it indicates an inner unwillingness to deny even a relatively simple part of our life. If we cannot fast with joy, perhaps we are not as spiritually sound as we attempt to portray ourselves.
And in looking to Matthew 6:16-18, when Jesus commands us not to be like the Pharisees in making a public spectacle, he instead suggests, "put oil on your head and wash your face, so that your fasting may be seen not by others but by your Father who is in secret." It not only suggests that fasting is an extremely personal thing, the very idea of putting oil on our heads and washing our faces suggests preparation for a joyous event. Complaint is okay every so often, but it should not consume us or it will become us.
Thirdly: I've been doing a lot of biblical research over the fast and I have come to the conclusion that Daniel did not do the Daniel Fast. I realize the statement is not only redundant, it's relatively naive in nature. But to fully understand the concept of a fast, especially a fast inspired by a biblical event, I think a proper reading of the first chapter of Daniel is necessary.
On that note. Daniel did not fast in order to gain a higher sense of spirituality. He fasted simply because he did not wish to defile himself out of a duty to his faith. While spirituality could certain be a part of his reasoning, it was not the main one. One of the commentaries I read(The IVP Bible Background Commentary) went so far to suggest that Daniel may not even have been abstaining from Babylonian food because it was sacrificed to idols; he could have been fasting simply because it was his only way of maintaining a sense of Israelite identity. Many other commentaries simply suggest that Daniel's fasting was his way of only eating ritually clean foods.
Outside of Daniel, fasting is seen as something that is done before a major decision(the book of Acts for example). In all cases except for Daniel's, the fast is done in order to deny oneself for the sake of God. We eat "non-pleasurable" foods as a way of denying our body's instincts and focusing on God. While I disagree with that sentiment in the sense that I believe that once our bodies are filled with good things it is much easier to lend our spiritual sides to good things, the point is still very much that we are denying ourselves of things(thus practicing self-discipline) in order to uplift our spiritual lives.
We should not fast to lose weight. While that might be the blessing that accompanies the sacrifice, it should not be the goal. We should not fast to get healthy, as a fast by it's very nature is temporary. We should not fast because we feel pressured by those around us, a fast is a very personal decision that is truly only effective when one approaches it with a genuine spirit. We should not fast because we believe God will bless us by the end of it, God does not do things simply because we wish them to be so, and if he does, it is for a reason.
We should fast because we feel that God is leading us to fast. We should fast in order to gain focus on our spiritual life. We should learn healthy eating habits from the fast. We should fast to practice self-discipline. We should fast expecting our inner-selves to change, even if out outer-situations might not.
I say all of this to make a single point: be careful.
I think a lot of well-meaning individuals do not understand the fast. 90% of people that fast are uneducated about nutritional basics, and just as many do not understand fully what it means to fast in the first place. I say this not to shame anyone, but simply to acknowledge that humanity has adopted a tradition in which the biblical and cultural context people originally fasted, has widely been ignored. And as Daniel J. Boorstin says, "“The greatest enemy of knowledge is not ignorance, it is the illusion of knowledge.”
With that in mind, if one truly intends a sacrifice for the sake of Christ, they should be aware of the consequences that wait for them as well. Don't stop fasting, just do some research. You'll find the fast benefits you a lot more. It is Jesus himself that encourages us to test every spirit, and I implore those reading this to do the same, not just with the fast, but with any spiritual journey they attempt to embark on. The journey will probably be rough, but spiritual benefit has and always will be worth it.
Saturday, January 17, 2015
Saturday, April 5, 2014
That Pesky Healing Question
I never really thought that this question would have such an overwhelming influence in my personal life as it does now.
Yet now, all of a sudden it is the question of the hour, so blazingly loud, that I can't go one moment without hearing it's overwhelming thunder.
Poetic words aside, and several personal experiences of where this idea of healing comes into play, I see that I am struggling to come up with some answers on my own.
I meant to post something about healing about 4 months ago, when the year was fresh and I heard a plethora of, "Give me a double portion, give me healing, give me renewal" statements being made by the church(and by that I mean the church community as a whole, nobody specifically).
First off? Who are we to ask for that? What have we done to deserve blessings from God?
Just because we've made vain promises on the inspiration of a new year, we expect God to follow through, when we secretly know that we won't keep up our half of the bargain?
I digress. As much vanity is in that thinking, I know it's not the only thinking.
Ever since my dad got sick 10 years ago, I have always struggled with the concept of healing, and for the longest time illness was just something that I dealt with and never truly understood as a "bad" thing. It was really just a part of life.
(And it is so much a part of my life, I have told my parents—multiple times—that I think God made me experience my father's illnesses so that I will be prepared for it in later life because I am bound to marry into illness...something I now regret saying in retrospect).
Perhaps that's why I grimace when people ask for healing over remedial things like diabetes, hypertension, and headaches.
But who am I to talk anymore, right?
I mean, I think a lot of it is stemmed from watching people struggle for years with Type 2 diabetes and then constantly eat garbage. Why ask for healing when you're obviously doing a tremendous job of correcting the problem on your own?
Like I said though, that was the way I used to think.
When I handle healing I always think of John 9:1-5, "As [Jesus] went along, he saw a man blind from birth. 2 His disciples asked him, “Rabbi, who sinned, this man or his parents,that he was born blind?” 3 “Neither this man nor his parents sinned,” said Jesus, “but this happened so that the works of God might be displayed in him. 4 As long as it is day, we must do the works of him who sent me. Night is coming, when no one can work. 5 While I am in the world, I am the light of the world.”
I think, in order to properly demonstrate my argument here, I need to get my theological viewpoints out in the open, then, maybe I can make sense of what I hope to be a discussion.
Firstly. I agree that illness and death are a natural consequence of sin. But, as a student of science, I also believe in the concept of entropy, which(basically) states that all things are slowly decaying into a larger and larger sense of disorder. Now, while I won't go into how science strengthens my faith, I do think it's a fair assumption to have two forms of evidence to back up my assumption.
To explain, if we as humans are bound towards entropy(which, spiritually, I understand as a consequence of the initial sin), our bodies are bound to be imperfect. It is almost guaranteed that we are flawed from birth by virtue of the fact that our bodies are all mutated in some way, shape, or form.
And these mutations only increase exponentially as we age. So, naturally, the longer sin has a chance to pursue us, the longer it destroys us physically(I realize this is a HUGE theological assumption I'm asking you to make here, and again it's my belief, so feel free to disagree).
It's not the best way to pursue a discussion of the consequence of sin. It's less emotional and more matter of fact. But it makes sense. We were made perfect creations, and the second we allowed sin to take hold of us, was the second we allowed it to slowly kill us.
However, I also hold a second belief. Yes, as humans we are bound to illness and death, but that certainly does not mean that God cannot work through our tribulations. If we stop looking at our pain as, "Oh woe is me God did this to me" and more of a "I was born into sin by virtue of the fact that I am human" it becomes easier to cope with the struggle and less about hating God.
I agree, it is a self-depreciating thing to do, but as much as I find it hard to say the statement that these things are not the fault of God, we were given true free will when we sinned, and by that virtue, we chose to bring illness into the world.
But, like I said, if God can work through our unique circumstances to find beauty, is it necessarily right for us to ask him to remove the circumstance in the first place? What if God chose for us to experience growth, and the only way to achieve that growth was by experiencing pain? What if our testimony of struggling with cancer while still having faith in God is the only way someone experiencing our same struggles can ever experience the overwhelming love that is God?
God never promised us an easy life, He only promised to hold our hands and to intervene when it was clear that we wouldn't be able to handle any more.
I don't know why I struggle with the idea of asking for healing, but maybe that's because I understand it as a part of life and a method of growth. And it saddens me that I cannot deal with death in the way that most deal with it.
Unfortunately I see death as "right of passage" so to speak, that, while it is painful, is inevitable and therefore pointless to obsess over.
I've experienced death a lot, I've had multiple family members die of cancer, so maybe I'm immune to feeling pain over it anymore. And while I do believe that the grieving experience is important for everyone to handle with the utmost care—and memory of someone should never be forgotten—reflecting on the past will do nothing for a person that seeks to move forward.
But empathy is a trait I am slowly working towards achieving.
Here's where my perspective in this whole healing game comes into play: I might be getting sick myself.
It's nothing serious. And I don't even know what it is actually. I'm convinced that I have reactive hypoglycemia, which occurs after I eat and either means that my body doesn't know how to react to the sugar I'm putting in my body or it produces too much insulin. It pretty much means that I have low blood sugar all the time, and I have to be extremely careful not to let it get too low.
To be frank, I'm tired all the time. I'm slightly faint about 40% of the time that I'm conscious. When I exercise if I even feel minutely faint I have to stop, and I have to always be sure that I have a snack around me. What I hate most about whatever is wrong with me is that no matter what I eat I get tired, but if I don't eat I know that I will feel even worse.
And for me—the person who worked out moderate-intensely(oxymoron, I know) 3 times a week and made sure that everything she put in her body was fairly balanced between protein and carbohydrates—it was a shock to me that I even developed the symptoms in the first place. I mean I'm not obese, I exercise frequently, and I eat a lot healthier than most of my peers. And even after doing what "diabetes" experts said to do, I only felt slightly better after eating things packed with protein.
So, I did what any self-righteous first-world Christian would do: I cried to God about how I didn't deserve this struggle considering how good I was taking care of his vessel(myself). And, after a day of self-pity, I realized what I spoiled brat I was being. Am I dead? No. Am I dying? Not in the near future(God-willing).
There's a family history of diabetes in my family, I should have expected it, to be honest.
But it was like a smack in the face for me. And here's me being honest. Everything that I've done since my freshman year of high school was to avoid all of the illnesses that threatened my family, and my obsession with health was, I now realize, a way of paying my dues to a way of avoiding fate. So that's why I was "woe is me". It was my way of being, "I did all these good things God, so why did you punish me?" And I admit, I do obsess over it.
But I feel like I'm trapped in my own body, and every time I think I've somehow escaped it it pulls me in, telling me that my body is weaker than my own will. I wish I wouldn't obsess over it, but it's hard when it affects something that is so essentially a part of my humanity: comfort, food, alertness, and most importantly—control.
And as much as I understand that my pain may very well be a part of a bigger plan that involves me ministering in some way, it's hard to stay strong when you're being attacked physically. Mentally, you can always control on some level; but physically, it's like you've lost to yourself, and the only one who can win is either God or your body, but never yourself.
This all brings me back to my question of asking for healing. I think that my illness, whatever it is, is part of a bigger picture that might very well might only be achieved by my current struggle. And if that's the case, I am not comfortable asking for the removal of it, but I'm not against asking for strength to endure it. And I think, perhaps, that there's a fine line between the two.
But, like all things, the execution is much harder than the intended plan itself. As much as I may convince myself that I am going to stay strong, and that others should do the same when they endure death or illness, I also admit that human nature will incline us to give up daily, to run to everyone but God for support and when we do turn to God it's inevitably to blame him.
And I—like I think everyone must deal with on a personal level—must learn what exactly that balance is, and what exactly it means for them, not to blame God and not to blame their circumstances either.
Does that mean acceptance? Or changing fate? Or does that mean ignorance of the problem completely?
Yet now, all of a sudden it is the question of the hour, so blazingly loud, that I can't go one moment without hearing it's overwhelming thunder.
Poetic words aside, and several personal experiences of where this idea of healing comes into play, I see that I am struggling to come up with some answers on my own.
I meant to post something about healing about 4 months ago, when the year was fresh and I heard a plethora of, "Give me a double portion, give me healing, give me renewal" statements being made by the church(and by that I mean the church community as a whole, nobody specifically).
First off? Who are we to ask for that? What have we done to deserve blessings from God?
Just because we've made vain promises on the inspiration of a new year, we expect God to follow through, when we secretly know that we won't keep up our half of the bargain?
I digress. As much vanity is in that thinking, I know it's not the only thinking.
Ever since my dad got sick 10 years ago, I have always struggled with the concept of healing, and for the longest time illness was just something that I dealt with and never truly understood as a "bad" thing. It was really just a part of life.
(And it is so much a part of my life, I have told my parents—multiple times—that I think God made me experience my father's illnesses so that I will be prepared for it in later life because I am bound to marry into illness...something I now regret saying in retrospect).
Perhaps that's why I grimace when people ask for healing over remedial things like diabetes, hypertension, and headaches.
But who am I to talk anymore, right?
I mean, I think a lot of it is stemmed from watching people struggle for years with Type 2 diabetes and then constantly eat garbage. Why ask for healing when you're obviously doing a tremendous job of correcting the problem on your own?
Like I said though, that was the way I used to think.
When I handle healing I always think of John 9:1-5, "As [Jesus] went along, he saw a man blind from birth. 2 His disciples asked him, “Rabbi, who sinned, this man or his parents,that he was born blind?” 3 “Neither this man nor his parents sinned,” said Jesus, “but this happened so that the works of God might be displayed in him. 4 As long as it is day, we must do the works of him who sent me. Night is coming, when no one can work. 5 While I am in the world, I am the light of the world.”
I think, in order to properly demonstrate my argument here, I need to get my theological viewpoints out in the open, then, maybe I can make sense of what I hope to be a discussion.
Firstly. I agree that illness and death are a natural consequence of sin. But, as a student of science, I also believe in the concept of entropy, which(basically) states that all things are slowly decaying into a larger and larger sense of disorder. Now, while I won't go into how science strengthens my faith, I do think it's a fair assumption to have two forms of evidence to back up my assumption.
To explain, if we as humans are bound towards entropy(which, spiritually, I understand as a consequence of the initial sin), our bodies are bound to be imperfect. It is almost guaranteed that we are flawed from birth by virtue of the fact that our bodies are all mutated in some way, shape, or form.
And these mutations only increase exponentially as we age. So, naturally, the longer sin has a chance to pursue us, the longer it destroys us physically(I realize this is a HUGE theological assumption I'm asking you to make here, and again it's my belief, so feel free to disagree).
It's not the best way to pursue a discussion of the consequence of sin. It's less emotional and more matter of fact. But it makes sense. We were made perfect creations, and the second we allowed sin to take hold of us, was the second we allowed it to slowly kill us.
However, I also hold a second belief. Yes, as humans we are bound to illness and death, but that certainly does not mean that God cannot work through our tribulations. If we stop looking at our pain as, "Oh woe is me God did this to me" and more of a "I was born into sin by virtue of the fact that I am human" it becomes easier to cope with the struggle and less about hating God.
I agree, it is a self-depreciating thing to do, but as much as I find it hard to say the statement that these things are not the fault of God, we were given true free will when we sinned, and by that virtue, we chose to bring illness into the world.
But, like I said, if God can work through our unique circumstances to find beauty, is it necessarily right for us to ask him to remove the circumstance in the first place? What if God chose for us to experience growth, and the only way to achieve that growth was by experiencing pain? What if our testimony of struggling with cancer while still having faith in God is the only way someone experiencing our same struggles can ever experience the overwhelming love that is God?
God never promised us an easy life, He only promised to hold our hands and to intervene when it was clear that we wouldn't be able to handle any more.
I don't know why I struggle with the idea of asking for healing, but maybe that's because I understand it as a part of life and a method of growth. And it saddens me that I cannot deal with death in the way that most deal with it.
Unfortunately I see death as "right of passage" so to speak, that, while it is painful, is inevitable and therefore pointless to obsess over.
I've experienced death a lot, I've had multiple family members die of cancer, so maybe I'm immune to feeling pain over it anymore. And while I do believe that the grieving experience is important for everyone to handle with the utmost care—and memory of someone should never be forgotten—reflecting on the past will do nothing for a person that seeks to move forward.
But empathy is a trait I am slowly working towards achieving.
Here's where my perspective in this whole healing game comes into play: I might be getting sick myself.
It's nothing serious. And I don't even know what it is actually. I'm convinced that I have reactive hypoglycemia, which occurs after I eat and either means that my body doesn't know how to react to the sugar I'm putting in my body or it produces too much insulin. It pretty much means that I have low blood sugar all the time, and I have to be extremely careful not to let it get too low.
To be frank, I'm tired all the time. I'm slightly faint about 40% of the time that I'm conscious. When I exercise if I even feel minutely faint I have to stop, and I have to always be sure that I have a snack around me. What I hate most about whatever is wrong with me is that no matter what I eat I get tired, but if I don't eat I know that I will feel even worse.
And for me—the person who worked out moderate-intensely(oxymoron, I know) 3 times a week and made sure that everything she put in her body was fairly balanced between protein and carbohydrates—it was a shock to me that I even developed the symptoms in the first place. I mean I'm not obese, I exercise frequently, and I eat a lot healthier than most of my peers. And even after doing what "diabetes" experts said to do, I only felt slightly better after eating things packed with protein.
So, I did what any self-righteous first-world Christian would do: I cried to God about how I didn't deserve this struggle considering how good I was taking care of his vessel(myself). And, after a day of self-pity, I realized what I spoiled brat I was being. Am I dead? No. Am I dying? Not in the near future(God-willing).
There's a family history of diabetes in my family, I should have expected it, to be honest.
But it was like a smack in the face for me. And here's me being honest. Everything that I've done since my freshman year of high school was to avoid all of the illnesses that threatened my family, and my obsession with health was, I now realize, a way of paying my dues to a way of avoiding fate. So that's why I was "woe is me". It was my way of being, "I did all these good things God, so why did you punish me?" And I admit, I do obsess over it.
But I feel like I'm trapped in my own body, and every time I think I've somehow escaped it it pulls me in, telling me that my body is weaker than my own will. I wish I wouldn't obsess over it, but it's hard when it affects something that is so essentially a part of my humanity: comfort, food, alertness, and most importantly—control.
And as much as I understand that my pain may very well be a part of a bigger plan that involves me ministering in some way, it's hard to stay strong when you're being attacked physically. Mentally, you can always control on some level; but physically, it's like you've lost to yourself, and the only one who can win is either God or your body, but never yourself.
This all brings me back to my question of asking for healing. I think that my illness, whatever it is, is part of a bigger picture that might very well might only be achieved by my current struggle. And if that's the case, I am not comfortable asking for the removal of it, but I'm not against asking for strength to endure it. And I think, perhaps, that there's a fine line between the two.
But, like all things, the execution is much harder than the intended plan itself. As much as I may convince myself that I am going to stay strong, and that others should do the same when they endure death or illness, I also admit that human nature will incline us to give up daily, to run to everyone but God for support and when we do turn to God it's inevitably to blame him.
And I—like I think everyone must deal with on a personal level—must learn what exactly that balance is, and what exactly it means for them, not to blame God and not to blame their circumstances either.
Does that mean acceptance? Or changing fate? Or does that mean ignorance of the problem completely?
Saturday, March 1, 2014
The Lies They Told Me About College, And The Truths It Revealed
I'm posting out of order(of course you wouldn't know that). I say that mostly because I had a post I was supposed to post a couple of weeks ago about relationships, but I have more mental energy to post this than finish the other one.
See this is what college does to you, confuses your priorities.
(Oh, was that just me?)
Anyways, I wanted to talk Christian Universities. Let's talk College.
And let's talk about some of "experiences" that people told me about both.
I'd like to get some things clarified.
Yes, college is a lot fun. College has been a lot of spending time with myself friends and discovering myself. And yes, at a Christian college I learned about God(a lot). But no one ever told me how emotionally and mentally draining it's going to be, and just how much homework I would have to do, and how that one C on a test that never bothered me in high school now seems like the difference between Grad school and no Grad school.
Homework kills(as does that hour and half long class that I have twice a week that I just can't stay awake for), midterms KILL, and science exams?
They're pretty much the bane of my existence. But I digress, mostly 'cause, believe it or not, I adore science(I just suck at tests).
The truth about college?
Popularity doesn't exist. However, "friend groups" do and, honestly, sometimes they seem like they can be just as rigid. Still, people are awesome and genuine, and anyone is almost guaranteed to find those few people that just understand you like no one else can.
At my school, males are a semi-rare species, and the ever coveted "male friend" is sometimes harder to achieve over the "boyfriend". (Mostly because the over-saturated in female attention "male species" can't get it through their thick skulls that girls can hang out with them without flirting or wanting to marry them).
And spiritually? When they said I'd change spiritually and my faith would grow. I never imagined that my life would be the way it is now, in the spiritual sense. I've never struggled so much spiritually, I've never been so lonely, I've never been so independent in every sense of the word. I'm learning how to be my own person, and honestly, it's terrifies me.
It's this idea of second naivete that is now forever nailed into my heart . I thought I knew an awful lot about God, and then I came to APU and realized I knew absolutely nothing about God, and the more I learned about God the more I realized that there's so much more I don't know, and maybe can't ever know.
It's 100% true that it's harder to be a Christian at a Christian University. I suddenly have to make time to read my bible, and have prayer time, and chapel isn't nearly enough to sustain me even though I convince myself it does. I have to make myself go to church on Sundays(especially the ones that I have off from "work"). And sometimes, all I want is that older mentor pushing me to do those things.
And, I'm no longer special around campus for being Christian, so I can't get the drive of being unique(as a Christian) at a Christian University because every one else believes in God too. And, to add to the struggle of individuality, almost daily I get stuck in my schools bubble and forget the fact that the world does in fact not revolve around me and my college and the 20-somethings that attend it.
But I got lucky. And as cliched as it is, community is a real thing that I take for granted here. People really do want to get to know you and your walk with Christ. Everyone, for the most part, wants to meet new people. I am thankful everyday that God introduced me to genuine people who readily admit their imperfections and daily strive to be better people and better followers of God. I love that I am convicted that my walk needs improvements. It's great, this insecurity of not feeling like a perfect Christian, because then I always strive to be better. And maybe, maybe we all need some level of spiritual insecurity to keep us tethered to God.
I've had such deep talks with people about discussions I could never imagine be a reality between Christians. We don't grimace at talk of hell or homosexuality or sex or whether or not predistination is actually rooted in scripture. We admit we don't know the answers and all seek to find them as a body of believers. And isn't that what God asks us to do?
However, I will be the first to admit that my school is no where near perfect, and there are a lot of people that aren't what society would call perfect Christians.
I know people that party, and smoke, and have premarital sex. I still hear curse words. I still see more skin than any unmarried Christian should reveal in public(go ahead, beat me now for saying this. My views on dressing conservatively will not change for the culture of Southern California). I still run into people that believe that a relationship with a man is better than any relationship with God. It's not that they only sort of exist in clusters, there's a lot of people that deal with at least one of these on a daily basis and don't see it as a sin.
Sin. That's a question that's get's grayer every day. And honestly, I don't see that bright light at the end of the tunnel on this one.
Now let's get honest about my walk, and how that works into this whole college thing.
I am in no way perfect. I read my bible twice a week. I don't often pray other than in chapel, and every time I walk into my philosophy class or read my bible now I always find problems with my faith that I know will get answered if I dig into my word, but sometimes I simply don't want to.
And I realize that this is a very unhealthy place to be spiritually.
For how can you fight the struggles of the world without the armor of God's word? I could probably solve a lot of my problems if I talked with my parents(or any mentor) about it, but I'm never willing to do that either(because I'm stubborn, and want to deal with my problems on my own).
I let my social life and my vain crushes get in the way of my walk, and they gained more seniority in my life than God did. And I let my own life seem more important than others.
And this semester, I'm trying to fix all of that.
But old habits die hard.
I'm still struggling with all of it. I still feel just as selfish, but with God I'm allowing myself to let the words of others become more important than my own. I just want to be a friend to those that I'm surrounded by. And God, I know he's preparing my heart for my future: in life, in career, in marriage. And it excites me, but at the same time, it makes me incredibly nervous.
It's a daily struggle of truly giving my future to God, without the anxiety.
I shouldn't have been surprised, then, when I suddenly found the desperation for God that I was striving for.
And it sucks, guys, really. It genuinely hurts.
And I probably should have an accountability partner, but I think God's calling me to do this by myself right now. Because, and I've learned this only recently, it's really hard leaning on your peers when they're trying to get their lives figured out too.
And maybe God calls every one to not rely on their peers at some time in their life.
Maybe we are never truly dependent on God until we can't find dependence in others.
And for me, this year has been a lot of reevaluating my perceptions and priorities about things.
In my personal walk, it's learning to ask questions to God.
It's looking at serving others, whatever that looks like to the individual I'm talking to; letting my words and my love reflect the God that created me.
It's looking at marriage and dating like something that mirrors God and the church.
And in everything, this overarching idea that "nothing is about me" overshadows all of this. If I look at friendship as bettering the life of my friends, dating as bettering my partner, service as being support for those that I work with. Things get easier. My personal motto that "Love is Sacrifice" becomes a lot easier to swallow and when I delve into selflessness, all my actions become about being selfless, and it's a lot easier to say no to temptations that incline me to be selfish.
And for this revalation I say thank you to APU. I never would have realized any of this without the school. But I'd be lying if I said any of this was easy to realize or easy to do once I realized what I had to do. But, thankfully I attend a school that allows growth without judgement. To be honest I don't know how to end this, but I do know one thing.
This year. It's going to be a struggle.
See this is what college does to you, confuses your priorities.
(Oh, was that just me?)
Anyways, I wanted to talk Christian Universities. Let's talk College.
And let's talk about some of "experiences" that people told me about both.
I'd like to get some things clarified.
Yes, college is a lot fun. College has been a lot of spending time with myself friends and discovering myself. And yes, at a Christian college I learned about God(a lot). But no one ever told me how emotionally and mentally draining it's going to be, and just how much homework I would have to do, and how that one C on a test that never bothered me in high school now seems like the difference between Grad school and no Grad school.
Homework kills(as does that hour and half long class that I have twice a week that I just can't stay awake for), midterms KILL, and science exams?
They're pretty much the bane of my existence. But I digress, mostly 'cause, believe it or not, I adore science(I just suck at tests).
The truth about college?
Popularity doesn't exist. However, "friend groups" do and, honestly, sometimes they seem like they can be just as rigid. Still, people are awesome and genuine, and anyone is almost guaranteed to find those few people that just understand you like no one else can.
At my school, males are a semi-rare species, and the ever coveted "male friend" is sometimes harder to achieve over the "boyfriend". (Mostly because the over-saturated in female attention "male species" can't get it through their thick skulls that girls can hang out with them without flirting or wanting to marry them).
And spiritually? When they said I'd change spiritually and my faith would grow. I never imagined that my life would be the way it is now, in the spiritual sense. I've never struggled so much spiritually, I've never been so lonely, I've never been so independent in every sense of the word. I'm learning how to be my own person, and honestly, it's terrifies me.
It's this idea of second naivete that is now forever nailed into my heart . I thought I knew an awful lot about God, and then I came to APU and realized I knew absolutely nothing about God, and the more I learned about God the more I realized that there's so much more I don't know, and maybe can't ever know.
It's 100% true that it's harder to be a Christian at a Christian University. I suddenly have to make time to read my bible, and have prayer time, and chapel isn't nearly enough to sustain me even though I convince myself it does. I have to make myself go to church on Sundays(especially the ones that I have off from "work"). And sometimes, all I want is that older mentor pushing me to do those things.
And, I'm no longer special around campus for being Christian, so I can't get the drive of being unique(as a Christian) at a Christian University because every one else believes in God too. And, to add to the struggle of individuality, almost daily I get stuck in my schools bubble and forget the fact that the world does in fact not revolve around me and my college and the 20-somethings that attend it.
But I got lucky. And as cliched as it is, community is a real thing that I take for granted here. People really do want to get to know you and your walk with Christ. Everyone, for the most part, wants to meet new people. I am thankful everyday that God introduced me to genuine people who readily admit their imperfections and daily strive to be better people and better followers of God. I love that I am convicted that my walk needs improvements. It's great, this insecurity of not feeling like a perfect Christian, because then I always strive to be better. And maybe, maybe we all need some level of spiritual insecurity to keep us tethered to God.
I've had such deep talks with people about discussions I could never imagine be a reality between Christians. We don't grimace at talk of hell or homosexuality or sex or whether or not predistination is actually rooted in scripture. We admit we don't know the answers and all seek to find them as a body of believers. And isn't that what God asks us to do?
However, I will be the first to admit that my school is no where near perfect, and there are a lot of people that aren't what society would call perfect Christians.
I know people that party, and smoke, and have premarital sex. I still hear curse words. I still see more skin than any unmarried Christian should reveal in public(go ahead, beat me now for saying this. My views on dressing conservatively will not change for the culture of Southern California). I still run into people that believe that a relationship with a man is better than any relationship with God. It's not that they only sort of exist in clusters, there's a lot of people that deal with at least one of these on a daily basis and don't see it as a sin.
Sin. That's a question that's get's grayer every day. And honestly, I don't see that bright light at the end of the tunnel on this one.
Now let's get honest about my walk, and how that works into this whole college thing.
I am in no way perfect. I read my bible twice a week. I don't often pray other than in chapel, and every time I walk into my philosophy class or read my bible now I always find problems with my faith that I know will get answered if I dig into my word, but sometimes I simply don't want to.
And I realize that this is a very unhealthy place to be spiritually.
For how can you fight the struggles of the world without the armor of God's word? I could probably solve a lot of my problems if I talked with my parents(or any mentor) about it, but I'm never willing to do that either(because I'm stubborn, and want to deal with my problems on my own).
I let my social life and my vain crushes get in the way of my walk, and they gained more seniority in my life than God did. And I let my own life seem more important than others.
And this semester, I'm trying to fix all of that.
But old habits die hard.
I'm still struggling with all of it. I still feel just as selfish, but with God I'm allowing myself to let the words of others become more important than my own. I just want to be a friend to those that I'm surrounded by. And God, I know he's preparing my heart for my future: in life, in career, in marriage. And it excites me, but at the same time, it makes me incredibly nervous.
It's a daily struggle of truly giving my future to God, without the anxiety.
I shouldn't have been surprised, then, when I suddenly found the desperation for God that I was striving for.
And it sucks, guys, really. It genuinely hurts.
And I probably should have an accountability partner, but I think God's calling me to do this by myself right now. Because, and I've learned this only recently, it's really hard leaning on your peers when they're trying to get their lives figured out too.
And maybe God calls every one to not rely on their peers at some time in their life.
Maybe we are never truly dependent on God until we can't find dependence in others.
And for me, this year has been a lot of reevaluating my perceptions and priorities about things.
In my personal walk, it's learning to ask questions to God.
It's looking at serving others, whatever that looks like to the individual I'm talking to; letting my words and my love reflect the God that created me.
It's looking at marriage and dating like something that mirrors God and the church.
And in everything, this overarching idea that "nothing is about me" overshadows all of this. If I look at friendship as bettering the life of my friends, dating as bettering my partner, service as being support for those that I work with. Things get easier. My personal motto that "Love is Sacrifice" becomes a lot easier to swallow and when I delve into selflessness, all my actions become about being selfless, and it's a lot easier to say no to temptations that incline me to be selfish.
And for this revalation I say thank you to APU. I never would have realized any of this without the school. But I'd be lying if I said any of this was easy to realize or easy to do once I realized what I had to do. But, thankfully I attend a school that allows growth without judgement. To be honest I don't know how to end this, but I do know one thing.
This year. It's going to be a struggle.
Thursday, December 19, 2013
The End of The First Semester
I am starting an endeavor of putting my thoughts and struggles to paper in the hopes that not only may I connect to those back home but somehow help those who may happen upon my blog. Anything that I do now, I do with the intention of ministering, and, as I've learned...well, ministry is so much more than preachers and walking out on the street exorcising demons out of homeless people.
On to my education: to be quite frank, academically, I didn't quite struggle at the level that I thought I might. Come time for finals I was relaxed and ready to finish my classes. Then again, I have a very easy-going personality and my work-load may very well have overwhelmed someone who was more inclined to anxiety.
My biggest struggle while in school was spiritually. When my ministry professor stated one lecture that, "It is actually harder to be a Christian at a Christian University." It ultimately became the most relevant and truthful thing I heard all semester. Whilst here I am hyper sensitive to my spiritual failures. I always feel that I should be a better person, more supportive somehow, I should read my bible more, I should pray more. I'm in a sense of spiritual self-consciousness...but as I reflect, I don't think it's a bad thing.
I've truly experienced worship as a lifestyle rather than an act. Being a good student and actively investing my time into learning is a very worthwhile form of worship, a simple note played off on instrument is worship simply because it is a utilization of God's gift. Worship need not be, "Oh great God" it is living out the spiritual gifts that God has giving us and embracing them as gifts from God.
So maybe I am not experiencing some "bible-thumping" revivalistic education that may have me return ready to slay demons and rough it with the marginalized it a grandeur fashion. But I am becoming a Christian scholar while all the while having my spiritual walk refined in ways I didn't even know needed to be refined. I have had people tell me that perhaps the bible is not completely inerrant, yet somehow the bible has become even truer for me over the course of the past few months.
Yes perhaps not every story is rooted in fact and there may be dispute over whether events did or did not happen(think the parables) but does that make the bible any less true? Since when did truth equate to factuality? Perhaps I will always struggle with the old testament, but once I begin to look at it as a book of human nature and look at a book as what it is and not what I want it to be it gains such a richer relevance to my life.
I think of my Exodus/Deuteronomy class. Why is it so repetitive and why is every punishment inevitably ending in death? Because God wanted to emphasis the sheer gravity of obedience. If death wasn't the punishment would the Israelites(prone to wander) truly realize how important obedience was to God or would they simply think that his rules were mere suggestion?
I haven't experienced these great charismatic acts in chapel, no. But I've seen God's spirit move in the subtle ways that some days every single one of my classes seem to ring true with similar messages. Let's reflect. I'm taking business, biology, and a bible class....under normal circumstances they shouldn't have the same general theme...ever...and yet I walk into class and it's almost as if God is trying to send some message to me and me alone.
I almost feel like I have theme weeks where God tells me, "Okay, this week we're working on this aspect of your life."
And as I go through both math and biology I have begun to see the world in a greater light. There is so much detail and predestined order in the minutest of details that I don't see how anyone can look at these things of the world and see that they were not created by a creator. How can a world so inclined to entropy be so organized and self-sufficient by it's own means? Don't be fooled, my biology class is no different than any other biology class....and the more I discover about the world the more I am inclined to find truth in the fact that science neither proves nor disproves God. Science is just showing us how the world works. It is this great organization in the way our body functions and how some little fraction called the "golden ratio" seems to be in everything from faces to the rings on a fruit or pinecone that leads me to believe I am just a small part of something far greater than myself.
Like my math teacher said once(I am paraphrasing), "We are blessed enough that God allows us to understand the world in part, but at the same time everything is so complicated that we can't even begin to fully realize it." It's like Ecclesiastes 3:11, "He has made everything beautiful in it's time. He has also set eternity in the hearts of men yet they cannot fathom what he has done from beginning to end."
With these ideas in mind, I suggest a Christian University to anyone who wants to look at the world differently and see God in topics they might not expect God to be in. Because, honestly, if I wasn't here, I never would have begun to see the world the way I do now. And this new world I live in, it's alight with God's works.
And it's more than just about our own spiritual relevance, but on God's greatest commandment to love God with all your heart and love your neighbor as yourself. It's a tall order to love someone else as much as we love ourselves, yet that's what my school is trying to get at.
This Christian life is more than just about you, it's about serving your community and seeing God in all aspects of your life not just your church aspect. Religion isn't spoon fed but you can't come in simply believing you have all the answers(because that's when you get torn apart). Dare I say it, you have more questions about God when you leave than when you get there. And that might be scary to some.
But that's what's great about the Christian life. The fact that we can never necessarily become the perfect Christian. There is always something new to discover as there are always things to improve on. Christians, the true kind, do not claim to be perfect or have all the answers, we are simply trying to live our lives in a way that might benefit everybody.
Christianity is about sacrifices and giving up our own personal luxuries for the sake of obedience. God doesn't want perfection, he simply wants someone willing to say that they are imperfect but they want to continually strive to make God happy simply because they love him. Because ultimately love is sacrifice. And I think far too often people are afraid of God because they are too afraid to sacrifice their own needs and the fact that loving God means being dependent on Him.
And my dependency is calling me to go pursue my education. And I welcome next semester with eager expectancy. Because my life isn't about me, it's about God's work through me, and that fact most, is what I'm most eager to see.
On to my education: to be quite frank, academically, I didn't quite struggle at the level that I thought I might. Come time for finals I was relaxed and ready to finish my classes. Then again, I have a very easy-going personality and my work-load may very well have overwhelmed someone who was more inclined to anxiety.
My biggest struggle while in school was spiritually. When my ministry professor stated one lecture that, "It is actually harder to be a Christian at a Christian University." It ultimately became the most relevant and truthful thing I heard all semester. Whilst here I am hyper sensitive to my spiritual failures. I always feel that I should be a better person, more supportive somehow, I should read my bible more, I should pray more. I'm in a sense of spiritual self-consciousness...but as I reflect, I don't think it's a bad thing.
I've truly experienced worship as a lifestyle rather than an act. Being a good student and actively investing my time into learning is a very worthwhile form of worship, a simple note played off on instrument is worship simply because it is a utilization of God's gift. Worship need not be, "Oh great God" it is living out the spiritual gifts that God has giving us and embracing them as gifts from God.
So maybe I am not experiencing some "bible-thumping" revivalistic education that may have me return ready to slay demons and rough it with the marginalized it a grandeur fashion. But I am becoming a Christian scholar while all the while having my spiritual walk refined in ways I didn't even know needed to be refined. I have had people tell me that perhaps the bible is not completely inerrant, yet somehow the bible has become even truer for me over the course of the past few months.
Yes perhaps not every story is rooted in fact and there may be dispute over whether events did or did not happen(think the parables) but does that make the bible any less true? Since when did truth equate to factuality? Perhaps I will always struggle with the old testament, but once I begin to look at it as a book of human nature and look at a book as what it is and not what I want it to be it gains such a richer relevance to my life.
I think of my Exodus/Deuteronomy class. Why is it so repetitive and why is every punishment inevitably ending in death? Because God wanted to emphasis the sheer gravity of obedience. If death wasn't the punishment would the Israelites(prone to wander) truly realize how important obedience was to God or would they simply think that his rules were mere suggestion?
I haven't experienced these great charismatic acts in chapel, no. But I've seen God's spirit move in the subtle ways that some days every single one of my classes seem to ring true with similar messages. Let's reflect. I'm taking business, biology, and a bible class....under normal circumstances they shouldn't have the same general theme...ever...and yet I walk into class and it's almost as if God is trying to send some message to me and me alone.
I almost feel like I have theme weeks where God tells me, "Okay, this week we're working on this aspect of your life."
And as I go through both math and biology I have begun to see the world in a greater light. There is so much detail and predestined order in the minutest of details that I don't see how anyone can look at these things of the world and see that they were not created by a creator. How can a world so inclined to entropy be so organized and self-sufficient by it's own means? Don't be fooled, my biology class is no different than any other biology class....and the more I discover about the world the more I am inclined to find truth in the fact that science neither proves nor disproves God. Science is just showing us how the world works. It is this great organization in the way our body functions and how some little fraction called the "golden ratio" seems to be in everything from faces to the rings on a fruit or pinecone that leads me to believe I am just a small part of something far greater than myself.
Like my math teacher said once(I am paraphrasing), "We are blessed enough that God allows us to understand the world in part, but at the same time everything is so complicated that we can't even begin to fully realize it." It's like Ecclesiastes 3:11, "He has made everything beautiful in it's time. He has also set eternity in the hearts of men yet they cannot fathom what he has done from beginning to end."
With these ideas in mind, I suggest a Christian University to anyone who wants to look at the world differently and see God in topics they might not expect God to be in. Because, honestly, if I wasn't here, I never would have begun to see the world the way I do now. And this new world I live in, it's alight with God's works.
And it's more than just about our own spiritual relevance, but on God's greatest commandment to love God with all your heart and love your neighbor as yourself. It's a tall order to love someone else as much as we love ourselves, yet that's what my school is trying to get at.
This Christian life is more than just about you, it's about serving your community and seeing God in all aspects of your life not just your church aspect. Religion isn't spoon fed but you can't come in simply believing you have all the answers(because that's when you get torn apart). Dare I say it, you have more questions about God when you leave than when you get there. And that might be scary to some.
But that's what's great about the Christian life. The fact that we can never necessarily become the perfect Christian. There is always something new to discover as there are always things to improve on. Christians, the true kind, do not claim to be perfect or have all the answers, we are simply trying to live our lives in a way that might benefit everybody.
Christianity is about sacrifices and giving up our own personal luxuries for the sake of obedience. God doesn't want perfection, he simply wants someone willing to say that they are imperfect but they want to continually strive to make God happy simply because they love him. Because ultimately love is sacrifice. And I think far too often people are afraid of God because they are too afraid to sacrifice their own needs and the fact that loving God means being dependent on Him.
And my dependency is calling me to go pursue my education. And I welcome next semester with eager expectancy. Because my life isn't about me, it's about God's work through me, and that fact most, is what I'm most eager to see.
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