I'm posting out of order(of course you wouldn't know that). I say that mostly because I had a post I was supposed to post a couple of weeks ago about relationships, but I have more mental energy to post this than finish the other one.
See this is what college does to you, confuses your priorities.
(Oh, was that just me?)
Anyways, I wanted to talk Christian Universities. Let's talk College.
And let's talk about some of "experiences" that people told me about both.
I'd like to get some things clarified.
Yes, college is a lot fun. College has been a lot of spending time with myself friends and discovering myself. And yes, at a Christian college I learned about God(a lot). But no one ever told me how emotionally and mentally draining it's going to be, and just how much homework I would have to do, and how that one C on a test that never bothered me in high school now seems like the difference between Grad school and no Grad school.
Homework kills(as does that hour and half long class that I have twice a week that I just can't stay awake for), midterms KILL, and science exams?
They're pretty much the bane of my existence. But I digress, mostly 'cause, believe it or not, I adore science(I just suck at tests).
The truth about college?
Popularity doesn't exist. However, "friend groups" do and, honestly, sometimes they seem like they can be just as rigid. Still, people are awesome and genuine, and anyone is almost guaranteed to find those few people that just understand you like no one else can.
At my school, males are a semi-rare species, and the ever coveted "male friend" is sometimes harder to achieve over the "boyfriend". (Mostly because the over-saturated in female attention "male species" can't get it through their thick skulls that girls can hang out with them without flirting or wanting to marry them).
And spiritually? When they said I'd change spiritually and my faith would grow. I never imagined that my life would be the way it is now, in the spiritual sense. I've never struggled so much spiritually, I've never been so lonely, I've never been so independent in every sense of the word. I'm learning how to be my own person, and honestly, it's terrifies me.
It's this idea of second naivete that is now forever nailed into my heart . I thought I knew an awful lot about God, and then I came to APU and realized I knew absolutely nothing about God, and the more I learned about God the more I realized that there's so much more I don't know, and maybe can't ever know.
It's 100% true that it's harder to be a Christian at a Christian University. I suddenly have to make time to read my bible, and have prayer time, and chapel isn't nearly enough to sustain me even though I convince myself it does. I have to make myself go to church on Sundays(especially the ones that I have off from "work"). And sometimes, all I want is that older mentor pushing me to do those things.
And, I'm no longer special around campus for being Christian, so I can't get the drive of being unique(as a Christian) at a Christian University because every one else believes in God too. And, to add to the struggle of individuality, almost daily I get stuck in my schools bubble and forget the fact that the world does in fact not revolve around me and my college and the 20-somethings that attend it.
But I got lucky. And as cliched as it is, community is a real thing that I take for granted here. People really do want to get to know you and your walk with Christ. Everyone, for the most part, wants to meet new people. I am thankful everyday that God introduced me to genuine people who readily admit their imperfections and daily strive to be better people and better followers of God. I love that I am convicted that my walk needs improvements. It's great, this insecurity of not feeling like a perfect Christian, because then I always strive to be better. And maybe, maybe we all need some level of spiritual insecurity to keep us tethered to God.
I've had such deep talks with people about discussions I could never imagine be a reality between Christians. We don't grimace at talk of hell or homosexuality or sex or whether or not predistination is actually rooted in scripture. We admit we don't know the answers and all seek to find them as a body of believers. And isn't that what God asks us to do?
However, I will be the first to admit that my school is no where near perfect, and there are a lot of people that aren't what society would call perfect Christians.
I know people that party, and smoke, and have premarital sex. I still hear curse words. I still see more skin than any unmarried Christian should reveal in public(go ahead, beat me now for saying this. My views on dressing conservatively will not change for the culture of Southern California). I still run into people that believe that a relationship with a man is better than any relationship with God. It's not that they only sort of exist in clusters, there's a lot of people that deal with at least one of these on a daily basis and don't see it as a sin.
Sin. That's a question that's get's grayer every day. And honestly, I don't see that bright light at the end of the tunnel on this one.
Now let's get honest about my walk, and how that works into this whole college thing.
I am in no way perfect. I read my bible twice a week. I don't often pray other than in chapel, and every time I walk into my philosophy class or read my bible now I always find problems with my faith that I know will get answered if I dig into my word, but sometimes I simply don't want to.
And I realize that this is a very unhealthy place to be spiritually.
For how can you fight the struggles of the world without the armor of God's word? I could probably solve a lot of my problems if I talked with my parents(or any mentor) about it, but I'm never willing to do that either(because I'm stubborn, and want to deal with my problems on my own).
I let my social life and my vain crushes get in the way of my walk, and they gained more seniority in my life than God did. And I let my own life seem more important than others.
And this semester, I'm trying to fix all of that.
But old habits die hard.
I'm still struggling with all of it. I still feel just as selfish, but with God I'm allowing myself to let the words of others become more important than my own. I just want to be a friend to those that I'm surrounded by. And God, I know he's preparing my heart for my future: in life, in career, in marriage. And it excites me, but at the same time, it makes me incredibly nervous.
It's a daily struggle of truly giving my future to God, without the anxiety.
I shouldn't have been surprised, then, when I suddenly found the desperation for God that I was striving for.
And it sucks, guys, really. It genuinely hurts.
And I probably should have an accountability partner, but I think God's calling me to do this by myself right now. Because, and I've learned this only recently, it's really hard leaning on your peers when they're trying to get their lives figured out too.
And maybe God calls every one to not rely on their peers at some time in their life.
Maybe we are never truly dependent on God until we can't find dependence in others.
And for me, this year has been a lot of reevaluating my perceptions and priorities about things.
In my personal walk, it's learning to ask questions to God.
It's looking at serving others, whatever that looks like to the individual I'm talking to; letting my words and my love reflect the God that created me.
It's looking at marriage and dating like something that mirrors God and the church.
And in everything, this overarching idea that "nothing is about me" overshadows all of this. If I look at friendship as bettering the life of my friends, dating as bettering my partner, service as being support for those that I work with. Things get easier. My personal motto that "Love is Sacrifice" becomes a lot easier to swallow and when I delve into selflessness, all my actions become about being selfless, and it's a lot easier to say no to temptations that incline me to be selfish.
And for this revalation I say thank you to APU. I never would have realized any of this without the school. But I'd be lying if I said any of this was easy to realize or easy to do once I realized what I had to do. But, thankfully I attend a school that allows growth without judgement. To be honest I don't know how to end this, but I do know one thing.
This year. It's going to be a struggle.
